Actions Always Prove Why Words Mean Nothing

I just read this quote and it got me thinking! I suppose it’s a new take on the old adage ‘actions speak louder than words’  

regardless of how you dress it up – it means the same thing right?

Its not what you say that counts….its what you do.

Now this is as true for us as it is for the people around us, and generally its when the people around us don’t do what they say, that is when we feel most let down. I liken it to customer service, if you go into a shop and the assistant greets you with the question Can I help? You make the automatic assumption that they are willing to help. So when they turn out to be the most petulant, useless waste of space in uniform that you have met in a long while; You become disappointed because your expectations have not been matched. They offered help and actually were very unhelpful. A simple mathematical sum that does not equate!

We have this in our relationships too – if a partner says'I love You'  you code that with a reference point in your mind to mean they want to be with me forever, we are going to get married, we are going to have children, buy a nice house with a picket fence and so on. (we all have our own interpretation of Love). If that person somewhere down the line says, I don't want children, marriage, to buy a house etc etc Then you question their sentiment, question their love, feel lied to! betrayed!

Is this correct? Are they wrong? Are you right? Is it such a simple equation? Could it be that your interpretation of customer service, love, is different from theirs? Could it be that when that assistant said can I help? They only ever planned to ‘point you in the right direction’ but had no intention of finding you items in the stock room, checking stock in other branches or smiling and conversing while you tried on numerous styles? Could it be that they were satisfied with their level of Customer service and thereby are oblivious to your discontent! Could it be when they said I Love You, they meant just that! YOU as you are. Could it be that they never envisaged, marriage? children? a house? forever?

Assuming for a moment that is the case, then what happens next makes perfect sense. You are disappointed with the level of service/level of Love you are receiving and so begin to react to them in a less than positive manner, they in turn become affronted by your obvious shortness and displeased attitude. They react with obvious shortness and displeased attitude.

The End result? You leave the shop with the belief that the customer service from that establishment was less than poor, probably make a mental note not to return. And the assistant? Well they have a similar thought process ‘ what an obnoxious customer, how rude! Glad I didn’t have their size!.

And in a relationship the 'fallout' is often more complex - but the basics are the same; you now believe that the person has not been true to their words; that they have lied, deceived you, wasted your time, abused your trust etc etc

I hope this is illuminating my point. It’s not what people say, it’s your interpretation of what they say that you hear. When someone tells you they have bought a new car you conjure up in your mind a shiny new motor, probably a 2012 or 2013 plate with all the latest mod cons. When you see the car and realise they have bought a clapped out old banger with more rust than car….you are confused. You then might ask questions like 'why did you buy this? and the response might be as simple as 'its all I could afford' or ' I've always wanted this model I am going to do it up as a hobby'. In these circumstances most people generally accept the answer they receive. We accept it because it doesn't really impact on our lives.

We rarely ask the very necessary questions that should underpin statements.

Them: I Love you
You: thank you
In your mind you have drawn up a contract of what those three little words mean. And that contract is pages long, thesis worthy. You have put so much hope and expectation into those three words, and off you happily skip, content that ‘they love you’ and therefore are now going to live up to all those things that you have interpreted love to mean.

Very few people have this conversation

Them: I Love You
You: thank you, but what exactly do you mean by that? How will you show me you love me? What actions will you perform that show me that you love Me?. What will you do that makes me feel loved? What will you not do in the name of love? Do you see marriage in the future, children, a shared home? And so on…..

I think if we asked these questions not just of those who say they love us, but of the shop assistant, our managers, our colleagues, our neighbours….those people whose actions impact on our lives. Then we might save ourselves a little or a lot of disappointment.

I think if we spelt our intentions clearly, we would not be misinterpreted, others would not fill out their contracts based on what they ‘think’ we said.  They would be able to fill out their contracts based on what we mean.

I truly do not believe that people intend to disappoint, I truly do not believe that people intend to hurt or betray. I also truly DO believe that many people do not ask the right questions, I truly do believe that people hear what they want to hear! And it is because of this when things don’t go to plan, they feel let down, they blame the other person, they walk around feeling like the ‘victim’. They mourn the loss of a promise that was NEVER made. They ACCUSE  the person of ‘lying, letting them down etc etc’.

The conversations, arguments, comments that ensue – are very rarely resolved! Because both parties believe they are right (and in essence THEY are).

For the purpose of shortness I have skimmed this issue, but I hope you see and hear the message. If someone makes a statement ask for clarity, ask questions, do not make up the missing words, or interpret it in the way that you want it to mean.

Be honest with yourself, be bold, be brave – ask the questions, even if you are scared of the answer.

 

 

I choose Happy

All day every day, which ever way and however I can make it stay – I choose happy!

I choose to be happy – because the obvious (not necessarily always) but the opposite to happy is SAD! And I don’t want to be SAD. I want to be HAPPY!!

Life brings with it a raft of daily challenges, highs, lows, opportunities, close shaves, natural highs, mystery……and so on

So how can one choose to be Happy when sometimes we are faced with such problems, adversity, sadness, bleak situations…..

It’s OUR choice.

Of course we can’t always choose whether the situation happens or our involvement in the situation, but we CAN choose our attitude to how we greet and treat that situation.

We can be happy, positive, and optimistic about the outcome of situation or we can let it takes us down like a great big Hairy Quarterback tackling us down to the ground!

Like you I have difficult times, sometimes it can feel like they are queuing up to get in! How I CHOOSE to deal with those difficult times is what makes me and keeps me Happy!

I have a default position that accepts and celebrates that I am very very fortunate, I am surrounded by Good People and have an Amazing family that I Love unconditionally and Love me in return. I have a roof, food, money and enough to get by. That is my default position. Thereby if nothing at all happens in any given day – I am HAPPY BY  DEFAULT

Now if something does happen on whatever scale – I ask myself (and more importantly) answer myself a series of questions like the ones below:

1.    Will this stop me living (kill me)?

2.    Will this stop me having the life I currently have for ever, for 6 months, for a month, for a week, for a day?

3.    Will this affect my Loved ones?

4.    Will this stop me having (my own defined) fundamental needs eg a roof, food, money?

And when I answer myself I am able to ‘rationalise’ that situation. So this situation – is not going to kill me, affect my loved ones or stop me having a roof, food or money – BUT it is going to be around for a week or two while I sort it out!

And then I go about my normal happy life, knowing that this issue is around and needs attention and while I am giving it this ‘attention’ I may not be doing as many of the other things that I enjoy. But I do know that if I ‘sort it out’ within the time frame I have set, (and sometimes that may last a little longer or shorter than expected)  eventually it will be over or reduced to a manageable size. I will know that the situation has exposed me to new experiences and lessons. I know that regardless of how challenging or unpleasant that situation may have been, I still have very many reasons to be HAPPY. I know that regardless of how long, bad, serious or otherwise that the situation was, I still have the key things in MY life that make me HAPPY. Even when that situation involves or challenges those ‘KEY’ areas of my life – this rationale applies.

 

Captain Jack Sparrow says ‘the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem’ and I agree.

 What is your default position? What are the key components in your life, that define your personal happiness?

 

I’d love to hear

Life can be like a Roller Coaster

When you’re on your way Up – Throw your hands in the Air and feel the air flow through your fingers, scream out loud! Raise your adrenalin and your blood pressure, breathe deeply and enjoy every second.

And on the way down, hold on to the safety bar, breathe deeply, think intently, learn from the experience – it will be over soon!

Last week I was on a very obvious Big Dipper, on Monday my carriage started going up it was moving at a steady pace and continued to its peak on Saturday afternoon when my Grandchildren arrived (Little Boy and Little Girl).

So on Saturday afternoon me and the Grandchildren went for a walk to the local supermarket, and on this journey that I do at least once per week suddenly the landscape was different. At five years old Little Boy see’s things I don’t see at first, he notices expressions I don’t see and he hears things I don’t hear. So my normal ten minute walk became a fifteen minute walk as it was punctuated by a series of stops for me to explain a situation, unravel a scene, laugh out loud at the interpretation of life by a five year old.

After the supermarket where Little Boy decided to try out his marshall arts skills on a cucumber…ooops! and Little girl tried to half inch a packets of sweets that were at buggy level. We went into the Toyshop, it is one of those quaint old village type shops selling  lots of wooden toys and traditional games. Little Boy chose his toy and handed it to the assistant for ‘scanning’ I explained to him that this was an ‘old fashioned’ shop and it didn’t have a scanner. His brow furrowed and confusion washed over his face ‘what’s an old fashioned shop?’ he said. So then I had to explain, that while many shops today had scanning machines and security tags on their items; this shop didn’t. I explained to him that when I was younger all the shops were like this. The confusion began to ebb away from his face and he said ‘are you old fashioned Grandma’? – I laughed and replied ‘I think I am darling, Yes I am’.

When we finally left the shop (with my purse £25 lighter) I had a large grin on my face and my mind was full of sparkling clear realisation. Old fashioned? Me? Ha ha ha but in many many ways so very very true. Out of the mouth of babes aye?

Old fashioned maybe, but Happy, very very happy and content with life. And as if Life was a jealous character, looking in – the very next day it pulled the rug on my contended happiness!! Nothing serious, nothing life threatening or harmful. Maybe to describe it as a ‘pull’ was too harsh. It was more of a sharp ‘tug’ not too hard but enough for me to fall off the Apex, enough for me to have to hold on to the safety bar!

You know it really is up to you what you see when you’re on the way down. It really is up to you how far down you fall and the choice is totally yours as to whether you ‘hit the bottom’!

You know if on your way down, you keep your head up and look to the stars you see all that is around you in all its great wonderfulness. Those you Love, those precious items, the books you have read, your favourite songs, people who are important, strangers who bestow kindness,  the Sun, the Moon, hope ……. If you look down everything around you is a blur and the only object in focus is the cold hard bottom.

 

When things take a turn and life takes a tug or even a massive haul at the rug under my feet; I keep looking up (yes I hold onto the safety bar) but I keep my head up, my spirits up and soon enough I will be back on my way up.

Go on try it – next time life has a go at your rug and you find yourself on a journey down hill – KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!

 

Life is like a roller coaster – it goes down, and then it goes Up!

 

Fake it until you Make it!

In honour of the lovely weather, I was home early this evening and got to spend an hour in the garden basking in the early evening sun. I started to carry out my normal evening routine, became sidetracked and found myself sitting infront of the TV watching ‘Ashley Banjo’s Secret Dancecrew’. I have watched this a few times and seen an array of ‘groups’ of people spending three weeks being put through some tough paces all to reveal somewhere between a  mediocre and average end performance.

I was hooked from the off tonight, Ashley’s secret group were five Estate Agents all oozing confidence. The Manager was so full of himself he gave himself an initial rating of just below Ashley!

Normally during this show Ashley and his team will show the ‘secret group’ the routine he wishes them to learn, and their response is shock, horror, fear, doubt and so on. But not this confident bunch. Speared on by the Manager they all professed that ‘Yes they could do it’ the manager event went on to say ‘we’re going to smash it!

And so the show unfolds, and to give them their dues they were probably one of the most ‘together’ groups I have seen on this show. Ashley had given them a particularly complex routine – to match their confidence, but the team worked on and on. Their sense of self belief was impressive and their dogged determination was in my opinion ‘award worthy’.

In one clip Ashley expresses his concern at their over confidence, and then brings them to London to perform their routine in a busy square in Central London infront of Office workers eating their lunch.

Suffice to say, the group fell apart and after the performance the manager sits with Ashley and confides that in fact he is not as confident as he has been saying (and indeed hasn’t been since the start). He went on to say that he was using the same skills, language, enthusiasm, leadership that he uses within his business. When the team face a challenge, he steps up and encourages them to believe in themselves and they all rise to the occasion.

At the risk of sounding like a TV critic or spoiler, the final performance was ‘Great’ (probably one of the best I have seen on this show).

But what really interested me about this group of Estate Agents was there unwavering confidence, even though each of them (based on what the manager said for himself) were probably really frightened – for each other they put on a face of confidence. They sneered at Dolphin flips, jeered at half twists and poo pooed the most complex of twists! Throughout the whole three weeks they not only believed they were going to do it, they believed that they were going to do it as good as Ashley and his crew! They said this Loud, they said this Proud. These boys truly believed, failure was NOT an option.

 

The truth is they didn’t believe it but they told themselves that they believed it. They told each other that they believed it and there manager laid down an unspoken expectation that they would do it.

I call this fake it until you make it! Self belief, belief in each other, a strong leader – were all key components to their belief in success.

This reminded me of some of the clients I have coached – until they are able to gain ‘self-belief’ things seem impossible.  Until they begin to believe in themselves, their hopes, aspirations, do not/cannot happen. But when they have that belief, when they start believing, visualising, thinking, feeling, smelling …. That it is possible – then it simply IS.

If the mind can think it, the body can do it!

Why not try it? – Fake it until you Make it!

The Sun, The Season

How amazing is the Sun? Not withstanding its obvious powers in assisting the growth of flowers, animals, Us - but it's power to make life seem Great, achievable, happy, purposeful and so on.

 The odd day of Sun is always welcome, it catches most of us unaware and we spend extra time scrabbling through our wardrobe to find an outfit suitable for this welcome but rare sunny interlude. No way will we waste this unexpected Sunny day shrouded in our now uniform like Winter attire.

 But when the Sun becomes a daily occurrence you slowly see the world change. People smile more, wear less, walk slower but more upright. They find time and excuses to be outside, for fear of missing a moment of what seems to be becoming a luxury in England. Sunshine!

 Is it just me or is it commonplace for you too? As the Sun becomes a regular occurrence I start planning evening jaunts again. My day extends from being to and from work and I begin planning. I make plans, I do things, I am energised, I live fuller days. 

 Like yesterday I met up with a dear friend who having returned from a week in Spain has embarked on a new chapter in her life. In the reverse of my situation she has left her nest full and moved in with her significant other. So yesterday we reminisced at how our lives had mirrored each others in many ways during our 16 year friendship. Not always in unison but generally with a month or a year in between; house moves, separations, new jobs .... And as if the universe knows we all need a helping hand, it feels like it intentionally provided these gaps so one of us was always experienced in the matter, and could lead the other when their time came. So yesterday I was the 'experienced' one, I was the one who had trod the path of 'emptynestdom' I had experienced the pain, pride, pleasure that this situation takes you through. My friend expressed her feelings, fears and fantasies while I listened, soothed and laughed appropriately. I've been there so I know that in time, she will be fine, the pride and pleasure will outweigh any pangs of pain. I know this because I have been there. I know this because just like the Sun eventually always comes out and stays out for its season; life has its seasons too. Whatever you are going through whether for you it is good or bad, know that it doesn't last forever. So if its something you are happy with and enjoy, then celebrate it, extend it, make it last. If its a situation that your not happy with, ask yourself how it came to be?, retrace your steps - know them well so you can avoid them in the future. Remember the Sun comes out, in the beginning it's just the odd day, but eventually it stays for the season.

We all need someone who inspires us to do better than we know how

One of my favourite past times during the Spring and Summer has to be ‘early evening drinks in the City’. I generally do this mid week,  it’s not the idea of drinking alcohol that excites me (infact I often stick to tonic water), but more the company.

We all lead such busy lives and the solace of the weekend for many is disappearing fast. But just like me extending my weekends to include Fridays, arranging mid week drinks to catch up with friends enables me to keep my social life ticking nicely.

So this evening I met with a dear friend who came into my life just five months ago; from the second time I met her I knew this was to be a long lasting friendship. I truly believe that we meet people for a reason, and generally they fall into one of two categories either a Blessing or a Lesson. Well the friend in question falls neatly into both. Her humbleness, hunger for knowledge and appreciation of life. Her outlook on life, her wisdom and kindness, innocence and beauty all teach and bless me with the courage and energy to pursue my dreams.

Time spent with her ‘invigorates my brain’ she compels me to think and teases my sometimes dormant creative cells.

So for three hours this evening in between drinking two glasses of tonic water and a bowl of home made chips. I have enjoyed the company of a wonderful woman who inspires me to do better!

I hope you have such a person in your life, someone who after five minutes in their company, you become rejuvenated, ideas begin popping into your head and you feel brave enough to dream or do!

 

If you haven’t got such a person yet, I challenge you to seek one out.

Life begins at 40 so what's going on? - Google+

Life begins at 40 so what's going on? - Google+