Actions Always Prove Why Words Mean Nothing

I just read this quote and it got me thinking! I suppose it’s a new take on the old adage ‘actions speak louder than words’  

regardless of how you dress it up – it means the same thing right?

Its not what you say that counts….its what you do.

Now this is as true for us as it is for the people around us, and generally its when the people around us don’t do what they say, that is when we feel most let down. I liken it to customer service, if you go into a shop and the assistant greets you with the question Can I help? You make the automatic assumption that they are willing to help. So when they turn out to be the most petulant, useless waste of space in uniform that you have met in a long while; You become disappointed because your expectations have not been matched. They offered help and actually were very unhelpful. A simple mathematical sum that does not equate!

We have this in our relationships too – if a partner says'I love You'  you code that with a reference point in your mind to mean they want to be with me forever, we are going to get married, we are going to have children, buy a nice house with a picket fence and so on. (we all have our own interpretation of Love). If that person somewhere down the line says, I don't want children, marriage, to buy a house etc etc Then you question their sentiment, question their love, feel lied to! betrayed!

Is this correct? Are they wrong? Are you right? Is it such a simple equation? Could it be that your interpretation of customer service, love, is different from theirs? Could it be that when that assistant said can I help? They only ever planned to ‘point you in the right direction’ but had no intention of finding you items in the stock room, checking stock in other branches or smiling and conversing while you tried on numerous styles? Could it be that they were satisfied with their level of Customer service and thereby are oblivious to your discontent! Could it be when they said I Love You, they meant just that! YOU as you are. Could it be that they never envisaged, marriage? children? a house? forever?

Assuming for a moment that is the case, then what happens next makes perfect sense. You are disappointed with the level of service/level of Love you are receiving and so begin to react to them in a less than positive manner, they in turn become affronted by your obvious shortness and displeased attitude. They react with obvious shortness and displeased attitude.

The End result? You leave the shop with the belief that the customer service from that establishment was less than poor, probably make a mental note not to return. And the assistant? Well they have a similar thought process ‘ what an obnoxious customer, how rude! Glad I didn’t have their size!.

And in a relationship the 'fallout' is often more complex - but the basics are the same; you now believe that the person has not been true to their words; that they have lied, deceived you, wasted your time, abused your trust etc etc

I hope this is illuminating my point. It’s not what people say, it’s your interpretation of what they say that you hear. When someone tells you they have bought a new car you conjure up in your mind a shiny new motor, probably a 2012 or 2013 plate with all the latest mod cons. When you see the car and realise they have bought a clapped out old banger with more rust than car….you are confused. You then might ask questions like 'why did you buy this? and the response might be as simple as 'its all I could afford' or ' I've always wanted this model I am going to do it up as a hobby'. In these circumstances most people generally accept the answer they receive. We accept it because it doesn't really impact on our lives.

We rarely ask the very necessary questions that should underpin statements.

Them: I Love you
You: thank you
In your mind you have drawn up a contract of what those three little words mean. And that contract is pages long, thesis worthy. You have put so much hope and expectation into those three words, and off you happily skip, content that ‘they love you’ and therefore are now going to live up to all those things that you have interpreted love to mean.

Very few people have this conversation

Them: I Love You
You: thank you, but what exactly do you mean by that? How will you show me you love me? What actions will you perform that show me that you love Me?. What will you do that makes me feel loved? What will you not do in the name of love? Do you see marriage in the future, children, a shared home? And so on…..

I think if we asked these questions not just of those who say they love us, but of the shop assistant, our managers, our colleagues, our neighbours….those people whose actions impact on our lives. Then we might save ourselves a little or a lot of disappointment.

I think if we spelt our intentions clearly, we would not be misinterpreted, others would not fill out their contracts based on what they ‘think’ we said.  They would be able to fill out their contracts based on what we mean.

I truly do not believe that people intend to disappoint, I truly do not believe that people intend to hurt or betray. I also truly DO believe that many people do not ask the right questions, I truly do believe that people hear what they want to hear! And it is because of this when things don’t go to plan, they feel let down, they blame the other person, they walk around feeling like the ‘victim’. They mourn the loss of a promise that was NEVER made. They ACCUSE  the person of ‘lying, letting them down etc etc’.

The conversations, arguments, comments that ensue – are very rarely resolved! Because both parties believe they are right (and in essence THEY are).

For the purpose of shortness I have skimmed this issue, but I hope you see and hear the message. If someone makes a statement ask for clarity, ask questions, do not make up the missing words, or interpret it in the way that you want it to mean.

Be honest with yourself, be bold, be brave – ask the questions, even if you are scared of the answer.