I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT….AND I AM SO EXCITED!!

I’m a planner, I plan everything, I believe if pushed I could present a very strong case for why I should win the award for ‘Planner of the Year’. If someone says to me ‘lets go to the beach tomorrow’ automatically my mind switches to planning mode. How are we going to get there? What time do we need to leave? What to wear? What to take? What necessary items do I need in case of possible eventualities – 1^st aid kit, spare money, sat nav, research beaches close by in case the chosen beach is too packed, research activities in the area in case it rains and so on…. No possibility is left unexplored!

So as you would imagine, my life is pretty well structured, very rarely am I caught short, and generally the unexpected never happens. I wish!!

In fact I probably have as many unstructured days, unplanned events, get caught short or shocked as much as the person who doesn’t plan. But what is probably different is my reaction. Because I have ‘a plan A, B, C and often D, E, F, G I can generally pull on one of these so that my reaction to the inevitable is pretty seamless. Not I hasten to add, trouble free, but generally seamless.

 Some may call me anal or controlling even. I don’t deny or view those as negatives.

I like to view my self as an easy going person, flying by the seat of my pants, going with the flow, impulsive. But for me to be that person I have to plan.

So I know the planned things that will happen tomorrow, eg work, commute, a friend over for dinner but everything else that will happen in those 24 hours (and there is always something if not ten or more something's) is completely unknown to me. And that is the bit I am excited about.

My planning (anal, controlling, obsessive nature) means that I make time to control what I can – so I know what I am going to wear to work, have a to do list of tasks to complete at work, know the times of the trains, know what I am cooking for my friend. And that is it! The rest I am open to, excited about, looking forward to!

My mind is free to notice, recognise and chase opportunities, dreams and the new and unknown.

So to me, planning may consume some of my time, but it is time well spent so that I have plenty more time to enjoy the unplanned!

 

There is a saying that says – to fail to plan, is to plan to fail……………………..

Go on try it, spend an hour or so planning your week and leave the rest to chance.

 

 

You Attract What You Act

Regardless of whether you are religious or not, you have probably heard of Adam and Eve. According to the Bible, the first two people on Earth. Again regardless of whether you are religious (or your religious persuasion) the point is here that the story told is that the first people on earth were a man and a woman and from them came the rest of the human race.

This is not a blog on religion, nor is it about Hetrosexuality – (Adam & Eve, Darren & Steve, Sally & Jane) but if this is the case that God believed and intended for Man and Woman to live together – how do we or why do we choose to go it alone?

Now of course I know that for many, going it alone is not a (conscious) choice; and if asked they will tell you that they have either given up looking; chosen to be single; happy on their own; or maybe they will tell you they are still waiting for Mr/Mrs Right to come along.

I used to hear the term ‘Smug marrieds’ referring to those happily married couples who brandished their happiness and unison to anyone that would look or listen. Now sadly, there is an emerging band of Smug Singletons – brandishing their independence, freedom, single but ample income, life choice and happiness. If they hear of a couple in trouble you hear them shout ‘that’s why I’m single…ain’t  nobody gonna do that to me’

So how easy is it to be a Smug Singleton? What does being in a loving trusting relationship bring that cannot be achieved when going it alone.

I hear all you die hard singletons shouting out – there ain’t nothing I need a partner for. I pay my own bills, own my car/home, have a good network of friends, exciting social life and supportive family – sorted!

And so I ask you, well that’s the practical stuff but what about the emotional stuff, what about the healthy stuff. Research has shown that married couples live longer!

If you are a woman (without imposing feeble stereotypes on you) what do you do or who do you call when the garden fence blows down or there’s a Tarantula sized spider in the bath??

Men, what do you do when you spill Red Wine down your best White designer shirt? How do you get the dust of the skirting boards?

I guess the answer for those questions are generally ‘pay someone to come in and fix it’ or ‘call a friend’. Yes very simple and therefore some proof that being single is practically not a problem.

Man or woman – what happens when you are upset, something happens, maybe you are the victim of workplace bullying or thinking of taking out a loan or one of your parents are very ill? What do you do? Who do you confide in? oh yes I see the pattern, you turn to one of those trusty friends! Excellent stuff.

Man or Woman what happens when you are sick? Man flu, or hospitalised or diagnosed with a serious ailment. Don’t tell me ….call a friend.

Yes I get it and am pleased for you that you have this support network (or enough cash to pay for that whole in the fence/dry cleaners etc) but what about the rest?

I mean I completely get the scenario where you have had a bad day at work (or even  a bad couple of weeks), you phone a friend, meet up and have a good old chin wag. To this end you spend the evening maybe joined by a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio or six or seven pints of Mr Calsberg for additional support. So you tell your dear friend about the situation you have been going through, what he said/she said….what happened then/when.

Your friend in support nods, sighs, strokes and on occasion stomps their fist in shock! And so the night progresses and the stresses of your issue begin to ebb away. By the end of the night, while maybe a little tired (or worse for wear from the effects of Mr Calsberg/Pinot) the future looks a little brighter, your load feels a little lighter, the corners of your mouth are now slightly turned upwards!

So back at home you prepare for bed and as you rest your weary head on the pillow, thoughts come flooding into your mind, but what about X? and what about Y?, what if ABC? – you sit up with a sudden jolt! You look around the darkness of your bedroom and most poignantly at the pillow beside you and then the phone on your bedside table. You then reach for the mobile phone and as you touch the keypad it illuminates the room and you catch a glimpse of the clock, its 03.00am – you definitely can’t call a friend at this hour, no matter how good a friend they are.

So you put down the phone, lay back down and begin to toss and turn while you try to solve these new issues that your earlier session had not covered.

You wake to your alarm at 07.00am looking and feeling like you haven’t slept for a week.

You drag yourself into work and your colleague gives you a nod and a wink…someone looks like they had a good night last night! Wink wink (if only they knew).

So back to my point, who is really there for you to share the ups, downs and in-betweens? As you sit and watch your favourite soap, and the climax to the six week plot finally unfolds (you knew it was him) you realise you have said that out loud, but of course no one heard you. Of course it’s only 8pm you can phone that trusty friend, but really? Is this the road map for the rest of your days? (I’m sure your phone provider would be happy if it was), I know it is also very commonplace to now tell your 1,287 friends on Facebook/Twitter or other Social Network. But honestly is this really how you see playing out your days? Is this really what you want? Wouldn’t you prefer to share with your Adam/Eve?

For the sake of this blog not taking up twenty additional pages – lets ignore the reason why or how? you are currently single.

Lets for fun imagine that ‘you want a partner’. What are you doing about it? Where are you looking? What is your ‘opener’ when you see someone you are attracted to? What’s on your list for a perfect partner?

If your answer is well I’m out every weekend and all I meet is drunken low life’s who have slipped off their Wedding ring for the night. Or all the girls I meet are so hostile. My answer is two fold

a)    You are going to the wrong places

b)    You are attracting the wrong people

 If you have a list that resembles something like this below:

·         Good sense of humour and sense of dress

·         Intelligent and spiritually moral

·         Good looking

·         Working and good with money

·         Ready to commit and start a family

·         Drives and has their own car

·         No crazy ex

Are you really going to find him/her or the answers in a crowded noisy night club? Now I’m not saying you should be hanging around the library or outside Canary Wharf tube station either – but a Nightclub? Really?

Sorry but I don’t have the answer to where all eligible singletons hang out, but I do know that we attract what we act/who we are.

So if you are in a Nightclub enjoying the music, a few too many drinks and showing off your dance moves that are really only fit for the bedroom mirror – don’t be surprised when the male/female version of you approaches you.

You attract what you act!

 

It’s Saturday morning and you need a few things at the local shopping mall. You pull on yesterday’s jeans, an old Tshirt and scrunch your hair up and run out the door. You bump into Mr Right – but he doesn’t notice you, and you don’t notice him as your head’s down hoping not to see anyone!

You are out with your mates, enjoying a meal and a few pints, you are all in high spirits, the banter and liquor are flowing in equal measure. You are getting louder and louder, back slapping, burping and guffawing. On your way to the toilet a pretty dolly like woman, with a very low cut top and extremely wide belt or is it a short skirt starts flirting with you. You buy her a drink and some twenty minutes later you are leaving together in a cab. You wake the next morning, kick yourself and wonder how quickly you can get her out of your flat. Well kick yourself harder because Mrs Right was sitting two tables away from you and your mates. You missed her because your actions attracted Ms Wrong (again!!)

Okay so they are both very crude examples – but I hope they underline the message here.

YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ACT!!

·         if you don’t want anyone to see you in yesterdays Tshirt and scrunched up hair, don’t go out like it

·         if you don’t want a girl that is happy to sleep with you after a twenty minute introduction – don’t sleep with her!

 Friends, Facebook, Twitter and the like are all very comforting – but they wont hold you when you’re scared, make plans for the future or emotionally support you through life’s highs and lows.

There really is someone out there for everyone – but you have to seek them, attract them, look for them, know what you are looking for and you will recognise them when you find them

Try something different............. 

 

 

Bin it or Bind it?

We all ask ourselves this question, generally in relation to an item, say a dress…its got two missing buttons and a rip at the zip. Do you bin it or bind it. Throw it away or try and fix it? Sew or through?

Sound familiar? And like I said we all ask ourselves this question generally about an item be it that buttonless ripped dress or your car that has one too many false starts or visits to the garage.

So what about your relationships with your significant other? When things are bad….do you ask that question?  I am sure for many of you when things are ‘bad’ your first thought is BIN IT!!!

You probably are already saying to yourself, well at the time when it is SO bad that I want to bin it…..there is no scope left to BIND it.

But is that true? Really?

Take a moment………what if you were not allowed to bin it?

 

What if the LAW (not because you are married) said that couples were not allowed to split up. What if once having committed yourself to someone – there was NO way out?

For ever, for good for bad, for annoying habits, for everything, for LIFE!

So the scenario is you have been together for ten years now, you’ve had your ups and downs, you’ve had periods where you have been ecstatically HAPPY and unbelievably SAD and for the majority you have plodded along somewhere in between the two extremes.

But for the last six months you seem to be jammed in the Unbelievably Sad polar. You argue all the time, cry yourself to sleep and tell your self there must be a way out, a different option, a rainbow somewhere.

Last night it came to a head you had the mother of all arguments and you both hurled insults at each other with the pure intention of hurting the other. You cried, shouted, swore and even spent over an hour in silence. So it’s the cold light of the morning and having had a night to sleep on it – you wake up with the resolve, that its OVER  and  if you never see him/her again it will be TOO SOON!

So you start to pack and the door knocks lightly, so lightly that you convince yourself it didn’t knock. And then – it knocks again, this time more definite and forceful. You go to the door and there in their shiny uniform is the RELATIONSHIP POLICE they caution you and explain that if you leave, they will find you and arrest you. The charge Conspiracy to break a relationship. This carries a mandatory custodial sentence of ten years. Before they leave they issue your partner with the same caution.

Bloody hell you think to yourself, I have just done ten years in the relationship and now I face another ten years in a cell for the same relationship.

The relationship police leave and you sit on the chair in your room and stare at your half packed suitcase. Your partner is in the other room, also sitting staring into space (slightly shocked at the prospects their future now holds). Ten years in prison or carry on with THIS relationship!

What to do?

You hold your head in your hands and the voice in your head appears to have increased by twenty decibels. It is shouting but I hate him/her, I cant do this! Oh my Gosh my life is over!

You get up and put your shoes on and go for a walk, for the first ten minutes your voice in your head is still shouting the odds. But gradually it begins to quieten, forty minutes into your walk two things are very apparent. One – there is no voice in your head, and Two – you do not have the foggiest idea where you are!

You stand still for a minute and get your bearings. You begin to head home and as you do the voices return, but this time they are saying something completely different. They are saying I am not going to Prison, so we are going to have to make this work. You start to think of the positives that you can build on, you reminisce about the times when the majority of your relationship was spent at the other polar extreme, you start to think about their good points – while suppressing reminders of all their negatives. By the time you are at the corner of your road, you have decided that you have enough to build on. You CAN both make changes, do things differently, make a fresh start.

So you do an about turn go into the Off Licence and buy a bottle of Champagne.

As you approach your front door, you reach for your key, you pause and then place your key back in your pocket and ring the door bell. Your partner opens the door and you hold out the bottle of champagne and say ‘we need to talk’.

They smile and step back to allow you to enter. You both walk into the kitchen, get out two glasses and sit at the table. Your partner asks ‘why Champagne’ and you reply…..we have a lot to celebrate!

 

Just a thought!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Luck Got To Do With It?

What do you think will happen tomorrow?

What happened yesterday that you expected to happen?

What happened yesterday that you DID NOT expect to happen?

What did you plan to do last year, that you still haven’t done yet?

Lots of answers and memories are probably resurfacing in your conscious mind.

Take a minute to reflect…………………

And so how do you feel now?

Do things ‘happen’ or do we MAKE them happen?

Are we controlled by our destiny? Or do we control our future?

Is there such a thing as a LUCKY person or even an UNLUCKY person?

Who knows?

What is Luck?

Is what I call Luck what you call luck?

For instance if a person finds a wallet filled with a £100 and chooses not to hand it in – one might say ‘oh he/she’s lucky they found a £100

Consider that same evening and you are on the phone to your brother and he tells you he lost his wallet containing £100, you might say ‘he has been unlucky!

So does Luck exist or is it just an event that may or may not enhance the moment, or become a stepping stone to something else?

If you buy a scratchcard and you win £50 you might think how lucky you are. However if you tallied up the number of scratch cards you had bought in the past 6 months that did not yield a return – you might find that you have finally broke even. So is that luck?

On the other hand you may have been £60 short for a specific item and this £50 windfall has brought you very very close to achieving your goal; in this instance the previous expenditure on scratchcards become an investment all leading up to this day!

I think how the event makes you feel is a good determinant of whether or not you perceive that event as lucky or not. I think the situation, the day, the time, the month, location and a whole other range of dependencies are necessary for a single event to be named as LUCKY.

I don’t know about you, but my feeling is, that for something that needs so much else to be right for IT to be right is not necessarily something I want to rely on.

I don’t rely on Luck or Lady Luck as some people call her. I rely on ME!

I am a constant, and therefore I CAN, by the choice of my attitude make a situation or event as Good or as Amazing or Run of the mill as I choose.

So if I find a wallet with a £100 in, and I choose to hand it in to the local police station. I congratulate myself, with the notion that the person who lost that wallet may get it back, they in turn will be grateful to the honest stranger and increase their belief in human kind. I now feel good (without ever having met that person or even being sure that they got their wallet back) because I know they are thanking me and wishing me well for my good nature.

I assure you that that feeling, lasts longer and is much more wholesome for my inner peace, than the guilt I would have felt while spending someone else’s money.

So where does luck come into it? I hear you say

Well I don’t know! Do You?

If Luck didn’t exist as a term, how would you explain specific events in your life?

For instance when you get the results of an exam you took and find out that you passed. Do you say ‘ooh that was lucky that I passed’

This is not giving yourself any credit for the studying you undertook, even if you didn’t put as much effort in to your studies as you would have liked, what ended up on the paper was definitely from your ‘mind/memory’ and not from Lady Lucks.

You could say oh maybe the examiner was in a good mood and marked you generously – but this is discrediting the examiners professionalism and taking away from what you have achieved.

 

Whats LUCK got to do with it?

learning to fly: You owe it to yourself

learning to fly: You owe it to yourself: Is this it?   Is your life fulfilled?    What is your answer to the following questions?   Where am I going? What is my purpose? ...

You owe it to yourself

Is this it?   Is your life fulfilled?   
What is your answer to the following questions?

 Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I living my life to its fullest ?

 

I know for some of you the answers will roll of your tongue, well rehearsed, because you are living your life. Living a life that is meaningful and purposeful. You probably even have a little book (or bucket list) of places you need to go, dates for when you need to have got there, deadlines for specific achievements. You have got it all mapped out and don’t intend to waste any time of this ONE LIFE!

For others you will read the questions, struggle to answer them and then generate a whole range of reasons, excuses, people, facts for why you cant answer them yet!

And there will be a large number of you who will read those questions and feel sad. Feel sad because you know that your answers reflect a life that is not being lived to its full potential (apart from in your dreams).

If you are in the first group – well done to you! Keep doing You!  Keep moving, striving, aiming high and living.

If you are the second or third group, I understand that there always appears to be a good enough reason, to put it off till tomorrow, or a person who is holding you back. I understand that you are just waiting for the right moment, till you get that next sum of money, till the children are older, you get that new job, you lose a bit of weight, pass your test, he/she leaves, you write your plan, or what ever other reason that you use as your excuse to be dishonest to yourself!

The list can go on and on, there will always be a hundred and one reasons why you can’t start TODAY! And the reason is because as soon as that reason is not there anymore, you will replace it with another one.

 A client I met recently told me about his plans to set up his own business. His idea was very good (but as he told me his idea I couldn’t help thinking  - but this already exists) any way he told me about how as a 20 year old man he had dreamt up this idea, even sketched out a business plan. Then his girlfriend got pregnant and so he put all his energies into working harder getting extra money to pay for all the necessary baby bits. He shelved his dream for when the baby was a bit older. And then came baby two and shortly after baby three. He thought about his idea often, but there was always something else more deserving of his time.

He sat in front of me 35 years of age, father of three – lost! His dream business had been done, replicated and now offered nothing unique. He had channelled his energies into being a good dad, good provider and good partner but he felt empty. He was upset (with himself) for putting his dreams on the shelf because now he believed he had lost his chance. Of course he was happy with what he HAD achieved but he wanted MORE!

 We worked through this and looked at his options, discussed his feelings of emptiness and his desire to be MORE! His story is ongoing and he is currently looking at new ideas, but his story is not unique to him.

For many of you in group two and three you will be used to hiding behind a valid reason for not doing more. I’ve got three children, I love him, it’s convenient, I don’t have time, I’m going to do it next year……………………………………..

Nobody really challenges you because your reasons are all valid. But I know that YOU CHALLENGE YOU! – THE MAN/WOMAN IN THE MIRROR CHALLENGES YOU!

You see it is very easy to roll of legitimate sounding excuses for Why you are NOT doing, but when the lights are out and it’s just you and your conscious or when you look in the mirror and ask yourself the questions above. When its just you answering you, you know that you are selling yourself short, being dishonest with yourself.

Of course any challenge by definition is going to come with a raft of problems to overcome, issues to resolve, mountains to climb, decisions to make, choices to choose, crossroads and casualties.

These don’t have to be negative, bad or too painful. Imagine if you decided to follow your heart and do what you know to be right.

Let’s say at the moment you are in a dead end job, that just pays enough to get by. What you really want is to go to University and train as a Teacher.

There are a hundred hurdles, finding time to study, being good enough, how will you cope financially? Who will help? What about your children? The list can go on forever –

Imagine if you wrote all those questions on a piece of paper and ANSWERED them.

Finding time to study – I will ask my two closest friends to look after the children for one night a month.

Being good enough – I will join a study group, study harder, talk to the tutor/ask for help if I am struggling
Financially – I will ensure that I find out about all the grants, benefits available to me. I am already struggling to cope financially but if I do this I will get a better job and in the long run my income will be greater.
Who will help? – I have two very close friends a sister and my dad who love me. I will tell them I will need their support more than ever over the next 3 years.
My children? – will never be short of love and care. They will be inspired by my actions.

When you answer your questions you find there is always a solution.  If you don’t answer the question – it remains just that. And over time it gets bigger, rmore real and in the end it becomes a fact eg I cannot go to university because I will not have enough time to study, am not good enough, I would struggle financially, I would need help and I have three children.

Really?

Are you going to sell yourself short? Are you going to deny yourself the opportunity to live the life you deserve? Or are you going to ask yourself the questions, answer them and then go and do it!

Make yourself a promise, find an hour for yourself arm yourself with a pen and paper – write your dream at the top of it. Draw a line down the middle centre of the page and on the left hand side write down all the things that are stopping you; on the right hand side write a solution to each of these. At the bottom of the page write in big bold letters MY NEW LIFE STARTS HERE!

 

GOOD LUCK X

 

 

 

Your Dash

Many of you will have heard about ‘your dash’ but for those of you who haven’t it refers to the space in between the day of your birth and the day of your death. You see them on headstones etc ….

 If you search on Google you will see a very nice poem all about The Dash, but the essence of it for those of you who can’t be bothered to look it up is that on the day of our funeral the Priest (or equivalent type person) as they conduct our funeral (or equivalent event) would state the date of birth ‘dash’ the date of death.

Those two dates are in essence insignificant and what matters is the ‘dash’ in between. Because it is the ‘dash’ that represents our lives. It is the dash that tells the story of what we did?, who we were? What we achieved? Who we touched? THE DIFFERENCE THAT WE MADE!

This is certainly not a blog about Death, on the contrary it is about LIFE. This one chance that we get to make a difference, this one chance to do the things we want to do, live the life we dream about.

This is not a dress rehearsal – THIS IS IT!

So what is in your dash? Is it enough? Does it really depict who you are? Who you want to be? If you had to submit your dash for a midterm marking would it gain the points you wanted it to?

Well here is the good news, if you are currently not living the life you dream about, if your dash does not currently reflect what you want to be rememberd as or by; then do something about it NOW!

This is your life, make it the best you can, decorate your dash, make it the most adventurous, loudest, prettiest, funniest, happiest, zaniest, explorative, brave, bold authentic dash possible.

So what are you going to do different?

Actions Always Prove Why Words Mean Nothing

I just read this quote and it got me thinking! I suppose it’s a new take on the old adage ‘actions speak louder than words’  

regardless of how you dress it up – it means the same thing right?

Its not what you say that counts….its what you do.

Now this is as true for us as it is for the people around us, and generally its when the people around us don’t do what they say, that is when we feel most let down. I liken it to customer service, if you go into a shop and the assistant greets you with the question Can I help? You make the automatic assumption that they are willing to help. So when they turn out to be the most petulant, useless waste of space in uniform that you have met in a long while; You become disappointed because your expectations have not been matched. They offered help and actually were very unhelpful. A simple mathematical sum that does not equate!

We have this in our relationships too – if a partner says'I love You'  you code that with a reference point in your mind to mean they want to be with me forever, we are going to get married, we are going to have children, buy a nice house with a picket fence and so on. (we all have our own interpretation of Love). If that person somewhere down the line says, I don't want children, marriage, to buy a house etc etc Then you question their sentiment, question their love, feel lied to! betrayed!

Is this correct? Are they wrong? Are you right? Is it such a simple equation? Could it be that your interpretation of customer service, love, is different from theirs? Could it be that when that assistant said can I help? They only ever planned to ‘point you in the right direction’ but had no intention of finding you items in the stock room, checking stock in other branches or smiling and conversing while you tried on numerous styles? Could it be that they were satisfied with their level of Customer service and thereby are oblivious to your discontent! Could it be when they said I Love You, they meant just that! YOU as you are. Could it be that they never envisaged, marriage? children? a house? forever?

Assuming for a moment that is the case, then what happens next makes perfect sense. You are disappointed with the level of service/level of Love you are receiving and so begin to react to them in a less than positive manner, they in turn become affronted by your obvious shortness and displeased attitude. They react with obvious shortness and displeased attitude.

The End result? You leave the shop with the belief that the customer service from that establishment was less than poor, probably make a mental note not to return. And the assistant? Well they have a similar thought process ‘ what an obnoxious customer, how rude! Glad I didn’t have their size!.

And in a relationship the 'fallout' is often more complex - but the basics are the same; you now believe that the person has not been true to their words; that they have lied, deceived you, wasted your time, abused your trust etc etc

I hope this is illuminating my point. It’s not what people say, it’s your interpretation of what they say that you hear. When someone tells you they have bought a new car you conjure up in your mind a shiny new motor, probably a 2012 or 2013 plate with all the latest mod cons. When you see the car and realise they have bought a clapped out old banger with more rust than car….you are confused. You then might ask questions like 'why did you buy this? and the response might be as simple as 'its all I could afford' or ' I've always wanted this model I am going to do it up as a hobby'. In these circumstances most people generally accept the answer they receive. We accept it because it doesn't really impact on our lives.

We rarely ask the very necessary questions that should underpin statements.

Them: I Love you
You: thank you
In your mind you have drawn up a contract of what those three little words mean. And that contract is pages long, thesis worthy. You have put so much hope and expectation into those three words, and off you happily skip, content that ‘they love you’ and therefore are now going to live up to all those things that you have interpreted love to mean.

Very few people have this conversation

Them: I Love You
You: thank you, but what exactly do you mean by that? How will you show me you love me? What actions will you perform that show me that you love Me?. What will you do that makes me feel loved? What will you not do in the name of love? Do you see marriage in the future, children, a shared home? And so on…..

I think if we asked these questions not just of those who say they love us, but of the shop assistant, our managers, our colleagues, our neighbours….those people whose actions impact on our lives. Then we might save ourselves a little or a lot of disappointment.

I think if we spelt our intentions clearly, we would not be misinterpreted, others would not fill out their contracts based on what they ‘think’ we said.  They would be able to fill out their contracts based on what we mean.

I truly do not believe that people intend to disappoint, I truly do not believe that people intend to hurt or betray. I also truly DO believe that many people do not ask the right questions, I truly do believe that people hear what they want to hear! And it is because of this when things don’t go to plan, they feel let down, they blame the other person, they walk around feeling like the ‘victim’. They mourn the loss of a promise that was NEVER made. They ACCUSE  the person of ‘lying, letting them down etc etc’.

The conversations, arguments, comments that ensue – are very rarely resolved! Because both parties believe they are right (and in essence THEY are).

For the purpose of shortness I have skimmed this issue, but I hope you see and hear the message. If someone makes a statement ask for clarity, ask questions, do not make up the missing words, or interpret it in the way that you want it to mean.

Be honest with yourself, be bold, be brave – ask the questions, even if you are scared of the answer.

 

 

I choose Happy

All day every day, which ever way and however I can make it stay – I choose happy!

I choose to be happy – because the obvious (not necessarily always) but the opposite to happy is SAD! And I don’t want to be SAD. I want to be HAPPY!!

Life brings with it a raft of daily challenges, highs, lows, opportunities, close shaves, natural highs, mystery……and so on

So how can one choose to be Happy when sometimes we are faced with such problems, adversity, sadness, bleak situations…..

It’s OUR choice.

Of course we can’t always choose whether the situation happens or our involvement in the situation, but we CAN choose our attitude to how we greet and treat that situation.

We can be happy, positive, and optimistic about the outcome of situation or we can let it takes us down like a great big Hairy Quarterback tackling us down to the ground!

Like you I have difficult times, sometimes it can feel like they are queuing up to get in! How I CHOOSE to deal with those difficult times is what makes me and keeps me Happy!

I have a default position that accepts and celebrates that I am very very fortunate, I am surrounded by Good People and have an Amazing family that I Love unconditionally and Love me in return. I have a roof, food, money and enough to get by. That is my default position. Thereby if nothing at all happens in any given day – I am HAPPY BY  DEFAULT

Now if something does happen on whatever scale – I ask myself (and more importantly) answer myself a series of questions like the ones below:

1.    Will this stop me living (kill me)?

2.    Will this stop me having the life I currently have for ever, for 6 months, for a month, for a week, for a day?

3.    Will this affect my Loved ones?

4.    Will this stop me having (my own defined) fundamental needs eg a roof, food, money?

And when I answer myself I am able to ‘rationalise’ that situation. So this situation – is not going to kill me, affect my loved ones or stop me having a roof, food or money – BUT it is going to be around for a week or two while I sort it out!

And then I go about my normal happy life, knowing that this issue is around and needs attention and while I am giving it this ‘attention’ I may not be doing as many of the other things that I enjoy. But I do know that if I ‘sort it out’ within the time frame I have set, (and sometimes that may last a little longer or shorter than expected)  eventually it will be over or reduced to a manageable size. I will know that the situation has exposed me to new experiences and lessons. I know that regardless of how challenging or unpleasant that situation may have been, I still have very many reasons to be HAPPY. I know that regardless of how long, bad, serious or otherwise that the situation was, I still have the key things in MY life that make me HAPPY. Even when that situation involves or challenges those ‘KEY’ areas of my life – this rationale applies.

 

Captain Jack Sparrow says ‘the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem’ and I agree.

 What is your default position? What are the key components in your life, that define your personal happiness?

 

I’d love to hear

Life can be like a Roller Coaster

When you’re on your way Up – Throw your hands in the Air and feel the air flow through your fingers, scream out loud! Raise your adrenalin and your blood pressure, breathe deeply and enjoy every second.

And on the way down, hold on to the safety bar, breathe deeply, think intently, learn from the experience – it will be over soon!

Last week I was on a very obvious Big Dipper, on Monday my carriage started going up it was moving at a steady pace and continued to its peak on Saturday afternoon when my Grandchildren arrived (Little Boy and Little Girl).

So on Saturday afternoon me and the Grandchildren went for a walk to the local supermarket, and on this journey that I do at least once per week suddenly the landscape was different. At five years old Little Boy see’s things I don’t see at first, he notices expressions I don’t see and he hears things I don’t hear. So my normal ten minute walk became a fifteen minute walk as it was punctuated by a series of stops for me to explain a situation, unravel a scene, laugh out loud at the interpretation of life by a five year old.

After the supermarket where Little Boy decided to try out his marshall arts skills on a cucumber…ooops! and Little girl tried to half inch a packets of sweets that were at buggy level. We went into the Toyshop, it is one of those quaint old village type shops selling  lots of wooden toys and traditional games. Little Boy chose his toy and handed it to the assistant for ‘scanning’ I explained to him that this was an ‘old fashioned’ shop and it didn’t have a scanner. His brow furrowed and confusion washed over his face ‘what’s an old fashioned shop?’ he said. So then I had to explain, that while many shops today had scanning machines and security tags on their items; this shop didn’t. I explained to him that when I was younger all the shops were like this. The confusion began to ebb away from his face and he said ‘are you old fashioned Grandma’? – I laughed and replied ‘I think I am darling, Yes I am’.

When we finally left the shop (with my purse £25 lighter) I had a large grin on my face and my mind was full of sparkling clear realisation. Old fashioned? Me? Ha ha ha but in many many ways so very very true. Out of the mouth of babes aye?

Old fashioned maybe, but Happy, very very happy and content with life. And as if Life was a jealous character, looking in – the very next day it pulled the rug on my contended happiness!! Nothing serious, nothing life threatening or harmful. Maybe to describe it as a ‘pull’ was too harsh. It was more of a sharp ‘tug’ not too hard but enough for me to fall off the Apex, enough for me to have to hold on to the safety bar!

You know it really is up to you what you see when you’re on the way down. It really is up to you how far down you fall and the choice is totally yours as to whether you ‘hit the bottom’!

You know if on your way down, you keep your head up and look to the stars you see all that is around you in all its great wonderfulness. Those you Love, those precious items, the books you have read, your favourite songs, people who are important, strangers who bestow kindness,  the Sun, the Moon, hope ……. If you look down everything around you is a blur and the only object in focus is the cold hard bottom.

 

When things take a turn and life takes a tug or even a massive haul at the rug under my feet; I keep looking up (yes I hold onto the safety bar) but I keep my head up, my spirits up and soon enough I will be back on my way up.

Go on try it – next time life has a go at your rug and you find yourself on a journey down hill – KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!

 

Life is like a roller coaster – it goes down, and then it goes Up!

 

Fake it until you Make it!

In honour of the lovely weather, I was home early this evening and got to spend an hour in the garden basking in the early evening sun. I started to carry out my normal evening routine, became sidetracked and found myself sitting infront of the TV watching ‘Ashley Banjo’s Secret Dancecrew’. I have watched this a few times and seen an array of ‘groups’ of people spending three weeks being put through some tough paces all to reveal somewhere between a  mediocre and average end performance.

I was hooked from the off tonight, Ashley’s secret group were five Estate Agents all oozing confidence. The Manager was so full of himself he gave himself an initial rating of just below Ashley!

Normally during this show Ashley and his team will show the ‘secret group’ the routine he wishes them to learn, and their response is shock, horror, fear, doubt and so on. But not this confident bunch. Speared on by the Manager they all professed that ‘Yes they could do it’ the manager event went on to say ‘we’re going to smash it!

And so the show unfolds, and to give them their dues they were probably one of the most ‘together’ groups I have seen on this show. Ashley had given them a particularly complex routine – to match their confidence, but the team worked on and on. Their sense of self belief was impressive and their dogged determination was in my opinion ‘award worthy’.

In one clip Ashley expresses his concern at their over confidence, and then brings them to London to perform their routine in a busy square in Central London infront of Office workers eating their lunch.

Suffice to say, the group fell apart and after the performance the manager sits with Ashley and confides that in fact he is not as confident as he has been saying (and indeed hasn’t been since the start). He went on to say that he was using the same skills, language, enthusiasm, leadership that he uses within his business. When the team face a challenge, he steps up and encourages them to believe in themselves and they all rise to the occasion.

At the risk of sounding like a TV critic or spoiler, the final performance was ‘Great’ (probably one of the best I have seen on this show).

But what really interested me about this group of Estate Agents was there unwavering confidence, even though each of them (based on what the manager said for himself) were probably really frightened – for each other they put on a face of confidence. They sneered at Dolphin flips, jeered at half twists and poo pooed the most complex of twists! Throughout the whole three weeks they not only believed they were going to do it, they believed that they were going to do it as good as Ashley and his crew! They said this Loud, they said this Proud. These boys truly believed, failure was NOT an option.

 

The truth is they didn’t believe it but they told themselves that they believed it. They told each other that they believed it and there manager laid down an unspoken expectation that they would do it.

I call this fake it until you make it! Self belief, belief in each other, a strong leader – were all key components to their belief in success.

This reminded me of some of the clients I have coached – until they are able to gain ‘self-belief’ things seem impossible.  Until they begin to believe in themselves, their hopes, aspirations, do not/cannot happen. But when they have that belief, when they start believing, visualising, thinking, feeling, smelling …. That it is possible – then it simply IS.

If the mind can think it, the body can do it!

Why not try it? – Fake it until you Make it!

The Sun, The Season

How amazing is the Sun? Not withstanding its obvious powers in assisting the growth of flowers, animals, Us - but it's power to make life seem Great, achievable, happy, purposeful and so on.

 The odd day of Sun is always welcome, it catches most of us unaware and we spend extra time scrabbling through our wardrobe to find an outfit suitable for this welcome but rare sunny interlude. No way will we waste this unexpected Sunny day shrouded in our now uniform like Winter attire.

 But when the Sun becomes a daily occurrence you slowly see the world change. People smile more, wear less, walk slower but more upright. They find time and excuses to be outside, for fear of missing a moment of what seems to be becoming a luxury in England. Sunshine!

 Is it just me or is it commonplace for you too? As the Sun becomes a regular occurrence I start planning evening jaunts again. My day extends from being to and from work and I begin planning. I make plans, I do things, I am energised, I live fuller days. 

 Like yesterday I met up with a dear friend who having returned from a week in Spain has embarked on a new chapter in her life. In the reverse of my situation she has left her nest full and moved in with her significant other. So yesterday we reminisced at how our lives had mirrored each others in many ways during our 16 year friendship. Not always in unison but generally with a month or a year in between; house moves, separations, new jobs .... And as if the universe knows we all need a helping hand, it feels like it intentionally provided these gaps so one of us was always experienced in the matter, and could lead the other when their time came. So yesterday I was the 'experienced' one, I was the one who had trod the path of 'emptynestdom' I had experienced the pain, pride, pleasure that this situation takes you through. My friend expressed her feelings, fears and fantasies while I listened, soothed and laughed appropriately. I've been there so I know that in time, she will be fine, the pride and pleasure will outweigh any pangs of pain. I know this because I have been there. I know this because just like the Sun eventually always comes out and stays out for its season; life has its seasons too. Whatever you are going through whether for you it is good or bad, know that it doesn't last forever. So if its something you are happy with and enjoy, then celebrate it, extend it, make it last. If its a situation that your not happy with, ask yourself how it came to be?, retrace your steps - know them well so you can avoid them in the future. Remember the Sun comes out, in the beginning it's just the odd day, but eventually it stays for the season.

We all need someone who inspires us to do better than we know how

One of my favourite past times during the Spring and Summer has to be ‘early evening drinks in the City’. I generally do this mid week,  it’s not the idea of drinking alcohol that excites me (infact I often stick to tonic water), but more the company.

We all lead such busy lives and the solace of the weekend for many is disappearing fast. But just like me extending my weekends to include Fridays, arranging mid week drinks to catch up with friends enables me to keep my social life ticking nicely.

So this evening I met with a dear friend who came into my life just five months ago; from the second time I met her I knew this was to be a long lasting friendship. I truly believe that we meet people for a reason, and generally they fall into one of two categories either a Blessing or a Lesson. Well the friend in question falls neatly into both. Her humbleness, hunger for knowledge and appreciation of life. Her outlook on life, her wisdom and kindness, innocence and beauty all teach and bless me with the courage and energy to pursue my dreams.

Time spent with her ‘invigorates my brain’ she compels me to think and teases my sometimes dormant creative cells.

So for three hours this evening in between drinking two glasses of tonic water and a bowl of home made chips. I have enjoyed the company of a wonderful woman who inspires me to do better!

I hope you have such a person in your life, someone who after five minutes in their company, you become rejuvenated, ideas begin popping into your head and you feel brave enough to dream or do!

 

If you haven’t got such a person yet, I challenge you to seek one out.