Bin it or Bind it?

We all ask ourselves this question, generally in relation to an item, say a dress…its got two missing buttons and a rip at the zip. Do you bin it or bind it. Throw it away or try and fix it? Sew or through?

Sound familiar? And like I said we all ask ourselves this question generally about an item be it that buttonless ripped dress or your car that has one too many false starts or visits to the garage.

So what about your relationships with your significant other? When things are bad….do you ask that question?  I am sure for many of you when things are ‘bad’ your first thought is BIN IT!!!

You probably are already saying to yourself, well at the time when it is SO bad that I want to bin it…..there is no scope left to BIND it.

But is that true? Really?

Take a moment………what if you were not allowed to bin it?

 

What if the LAW (not because you are married) said that couples were not allowed to split up. What if once having committed yourself to someone – there was NO way out?

For ever, for good for bad, for annoying habits, for everything, for LIFE!

So the scenario is you have been together for ten years now, you’ve had your ups and downs, you’ve had periods where you have been ecstatically HAPPY and unbelievably SAD and for the majority you have plodded along somewhere in between the two extremes.

But for the last six months you seem to be jammed in the Unbelievably Sad polar. You argue all the time, cry yourself to sleep and tell your self there must be a way out, a different option, a rainbow somewhere.

Last night it came to a head you had the mother of all arguments and you both hurled insults at each other with the pure intention of hurting the other. You cried, shouted, swore and even spent over an hour in silence. So it’s the cold light of the morning and having had a night to sleep on it – you wake up with the resolve, that its OVER  and  if you never see him/her again it will be TOO SOON!

So you start to pack and the door knocks lightly, so lightly that you convince yourself it didn’t knock. And then – it knocks again, this time more definite and forceful. You go to the door and there in their shiny uniform is the RELATIONSHIP POLICE they caution you and explain that if you leave, they will find you and arrest you. The charge Conspiracy to break a relationship. This carries a mandatory custodial sentence of ten years. Before they leave they issue your partner with the same caution.

Bloody hell you think to yourself, I have just done ten years in the relationship and now I face another ten years in a cell for the same relationship.

The relationship police leave and you sit on the chair in your room and stare at your half packed suitcase. Your partner is in the other room, also sitting staring into space (slightly shocked at the prospects their future now holds). Ten years in prison or carry on with THIS relationship!

What to do?

You hold your head in your hands and the voice in your head appears to have increased by twenty decibels. It is shouting but I hate him/her, I cant do this! Oh my Gosh my life is over!

You get up and put your shoes on and go for a walk, for the first ten minutes your voice in your head is still shouting the odds. But gradually it begins to quieten, forty minutes into your walk two things are very apparent. One – there is no voice in your head, and Two – you do not have the foggiest idea where you are!

You stand still for a minute and get your bearings. You begin to head home and as you do the voices return, but this time they are saying something completely different. They are saying I am not going to Prison, so we are going to have to make this work. You start to think of the positives that you can build on, you reminisce about the times when the majority of your relationship was spent at the other polar extreme, you start to think about their good points – while suppressing reminders of all their negatives. By the time you are at the corner of your road, you have decided that you have enough to build on. You CAN both make changes, do things differently, make a fresh start.

So you do an about turn go into the Off Licence and buy a bottle of Champagne.

As you approach your front door, you reach for your key, you pause and then place your key back in your pocket and ring the door bell. Your partner opens the door and you hold out the bottle of champagne and say ‘we need to talk’.

They smile and step back to allow you to enter. You both walk into the kitchen, get out two glasses and sit at the table. Your partner asks ‘why Champagne’ and you reply…..we have a lot to celebrate!

 

Just a thought!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Luck Got To Do With It?

What do you think will happen tomorrow?

What happened yesterday that you expected to happen?

What happened yesterday that you DID NOT expect to happen?

What did you plan to do last year, that you still haven’t done yet?

Lots of answers and memories are probably resurfacing in your conscious mind.

Take a minute to reflect…………………

And so how do you feel now?

Do things ‘happen’ or do we MAKE them happen?

Are we controlled by our destiny? Or do we control our future?

Is there such a thing as a LUCKY person or even an UNLUCKY person?

Who knows?

What is Luck?

Is what I call Luck what you call luck?

For instance if a person finds a wallet filled with a £100 and chooses not to hand it in – one might say ‘oh he/she’s lucky they found a £100

Consider that same evening and you are on the phone to your brother and he tells you he lost his wallet containing £100, you might say ‘he has been unlucky!

So does Luck exist or is it just an event that may or may not enhance the moment, or become a stepping stone to something else?

If you buy a scratchcard and you win £50 you might think how lucky you are. However if you tallied up the number of scratch cards you had bought in the past 6 months that did not yield a return – you might find that you have finally broke even. So is that luck?

On the other hand you may have been £60 short for a specific item and this £50 windfall has brought you very very close to achieving your goal; in this instance the previous expenditure on scratchcards become an investment all leading up to this day!

I think how the event makes you feel is a good determinant of whether or not you perceive that event as lucky or not. I think the situation, the day, the time, the month, location and a whole other range of dependencies are necessary for a single event to be named as LUCKY.

I don’t know about you, but my feeling is, that for something that needs so much else to be right for IT to be right is not necessarily something I want to rely on.

I don’t rely on Luck or Lady Luck as some people call her. I rely on ME!

I am a constant, and therefore I CAN, by the choice of my attitude make a situation or event as Good or as Amazing or Run of the mill as I choose.

So if I find a wallet with a £100 in, and I choose to hand it in to the local police station. I congratulate myself, with the notion that the person who lost that wallet may get it back, they in turn will be grateful to the honest stranger and increase their belief in human kind. I now feel good (without ever having met that person or even being sure that they got their wallet back) because I know they are thanking me and wishing me well for my good nature.

I assure you that that feeling, lasts longer and is much more wholesome for my inner peace, than the guilt I would have felt while spending someone else’s money.

So where does luck come into it? I hear you say

Well I don’t know! Do You?

If Luck didn’t exist as a term, how would you explain specific events in your life?

For instance when you get the results of an exam you took and find out that you passed. Do you say ‘ooh that was lucky that I passed’

This is not giving yourself any credit for the studying you undertook, even if you didn’t put as much effort in to your studies as you would have liked, what ended up on the paper was definitely from your ‘mind/memory’ and not from Lady Lucks.

You could say oh maybe the examiner was in a good mood and marked you generously – but this is discrediting the examiners professionalism and taking away from what you have achieved.

 

Whats LUCK got to do with it?

learning to fly: You owe it to yourself

learning to fly: You owe it to yourself: Is this it?   Is your life fulfilled?    What is your answer to the following questions?   Where am I going? What is my purpose? ...

You owe it to yourself

Is this it?   Is your life fulfilled?   
What is your answer to the following questions?

 Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I living my life to its fullest ?

 

I know for some of you the answers will roll of your tongue, well rehearsed, because you are living your life. Living a life that is meaningful and purposeful. You probably even have a little book (or bucket list) of places you need to go, dates for when you need to have got there, deadlines for specific achievements. You have got it all mapped out and don’t intend to waste any time of this ONE LIFE!

For others you will read the questions, struggle to answer them and then generate a whole range of reasons, excuses, people, facts for why you cant answer them yet!

And there will be a large number of you who will read those questions and feel sad. Feel sad because you know that your answers reflect a life that is not being lived to its full potential (apart from in your dreams).

If you are in the first group – well done to you! Keep doing You!  Keep moving, striving, aiming high and living.

If you are the second or third group, I understand that there always appears to be a good enough reason, to put it off till tomorrow, or a person who is holding you back. I understand that you are just waiting for the right moment, till you get that next sum of money, till the children are older, you get that new job, you lose a bit of weight, pass your test, he/she leaves, you write your plan, or what ever other reason that you use as your excuse to be dishonest to yourself!

The list can go on and on, there will always be a hundred and one reasons why you can’t start TODAY! And the reason is because as soon as that reason is not there anymore, you will replace it with another one.

 A client I met recently told me about his plans to set up his own business. His idea was very good (but as he told me his idea I couldn’t help thinking  - but this already exists) any way he told me about how as a 20 year old man he had dreamt up this idea, even sketched out a business plan. Then his girlfriend got pregnant and so he put all his energies into working harder getting extra money to pay for all the necessary baby bits. He shelved his dream for when the baby was a bit older. And then came baby two and shortly after baby three. He thought about his idea often, but there was always something else more deserving of his time.

He sat in front of me 35 years of age, father of three – lost! His dream business had been done, replicated and now offered nothing unique. He had channelled his energies into being a good dad, good provider and good partner but he felt empty. He was upset (with himself) for putting his dreams on the shelf because now he believed he had lost his chance. Of course he was happy with what he HAD achieved but he wanted MORE!

 We worked through this and looked at his options, discussed his feelings of emptiness and his desire to be MORE! His story is ongoing and he is currently looking at new ideas, but his story is not unique to him.

For many of you in group two and three you will be used to hiding behind a valid reason for not doing more. I’ve got three children, I love him, it’s convenient, I don’t have time, I’m going to do it next year……………………………………..

Nobody really challenges you because your reasons are all valid. But I know that YOU CHALLENGE YOU! – THE MAN/WOMAN IN THE MIRROR CHALLENGES YOU!

You see it is very easy to roll of legitimate sounding excuses for Why you are NOT doing, but when the lights are out and it’s just you and your conscious or when you look in the mirror and ask yourself the questions above. When its just you answering you, you know that you are selling yourself short, being dishonest with yourself.

Of course any challenge by definition is going to come with a raft of problems to overcome, issues to resolve, mountains to climb, decisions to make, choices to choose, crossroads and casualties.

These don’t have to be negative, bad or too painful. Imagine if you decided to follow your heart and do what you know to be right.

Let’s say at the moment you are in a dead end job, that just pays enough to get by. What you really want is to go to University and train as a Teacher.

There are a hundred hurdles, finding time to study, being good enough, how will you cope financially? Who will help? What about your children? The list can go on forever –

Imagine if you wrote all those questions on a piece of paper and ANSWERED them.

Finding time to study – I will ask my two closest friends to look after the children for one night a month.

Being good enough – I will join a study group, study harder, talk to the tutor/ask for help if I am struggling
Financially – I will ensure that I find out about all the grants, benefits available to me. I am already struggling to cope financially but if I do this I will get a better job and in the long run my income will be greater.
Who will help? – I have two very close friends a sister and my dad who love me. I will tell them I will need their support more than ever over the next 3 years.
My children? – will never be short of love and care. They will be inspired by my actions.

When you answer your questions you find there is always a solution.  If you don’t answer the question – it remains just that. And over time it gets bigger, rmore real and in the end it becomes a fact eg I cannot go to university because I will not have enough time to study, am not good enough, I would struggle financially, I would need help and I have three children.

Really?

Are you going to sell yourself short? Are you going to deny yourself the opportunity to live the life you deserve? Or are you going to ask yourself the questions, answer them and then go and do it!

Make yourself a promise, find an hour for yourself arm yourself with a pen and paper – write your dream at the top of it. Draw a line down the middle centre of the page and on the left hand side write down all the things that are stopping you; on the right hand side write a solution to each of these. At the bottom of the page write in big bold letters MY NEW LIFE STARTS HERE!

 

GOOD LUCK X

 

 

 

Your Dash

Many of you will have heard about ‘your dash’ but for those of you who haven’t it refers to the space in between the day of your birth and the day of your death. You see them on headstones etc ….

 If you search on Google you will see a very nice poem all about The Dash, but the essence of it for those of you who can’t be bothered to look it up is that on the day of our funeral the Priest (or equivalent type person) as they conduct our funeral (or equivalent event) would state the date of birth ‘dash’ the date of death.

Those two dates are in essence insignificant and what matters is the ‘dash’ in between. Because it is the ‘dash’ that represents our lives. It is the dash that tells the story of what we did?, who we were? What we achieved? Who we touched? THE DIFFERENCE THAT WE MADE!

This is certainly not a blog about Death, on the contrary it is about LIFE. This one chance that we get to make a difference, this one chance to do the things we want to do, live the life we dream about.

This is not a dress rehearsal – THIS IS IT!

So what is in your dash? Is it enough? Does it really depict who you are? Who you want to be? If you had to submit your dash for a midterm marking would it gain the points you wanted it to?

Well here is the good news, if you are currently not living the life you dream about, if your dash does not currently reflect what you want to be rememberd as or by; then do something about it NOW!

This is your life, make it the best you can, decorate your dash, make it the most adventurous, loudest, prettiest, funniest, happiest, zaniest, explorative, brave, bold authentic dash possible.

So what are you going to do different?

Actions Always Prove Why Words Mean Nothing

I just read this quote and it got me thinking! I suppose it’s a new take on the old adage ‘actions speak louder than words’  

regardless of how you dress it up – it means the same thing right?

Its not what you say that counts….its what you do.

Now this is as true for us as it is for the people around us, and generally its when the people around us don’t do what they say, that is when we feel most let down. I liken it to customer service, if you go into a shop and the assistant greets you with the question Can I help? You make the automatic assumption that they are willing to help. So when they turn out to be the most petulant, useless waste of space in uniform that you have met in a long while; You become disappointed because your expectations have not been matched. They offered help and actually were very unhelpful. A simple mathematical sum that does not equate!

We have this in our relationships too – if a partner says'I love You'  you code that with a reference point in your mind to mean they want to be with me forever, we are going to get married, we are going to have children, buy a nice house with a picket fence and so on. (we all have our own interpretation of Love). If that person somewhere down the line says, I don't want children, marriage, to buy a house etc etc Then you question their sentiment, question their love, feel lied to! betrayed!

Is this correct? Are they wrong? Are you right? Is it such a simple equation? Could it be that your interpretation of customer service, love, is different from theirs? Could it be that when that assistant said can I help? They only ever planned to ‘point you in the right direction’ but had no intention of finding you items in the stock room, checking stock in other branches or smiling and conversing while you tried on numerous styles? Could it be that they were satisfied with their level of Customer service and thereby are oblivious to your discontent! Could it be when they said I Love You, they meant just that! YOU as you are. Could it be that they never envisaged, marriage? children? a house? forever?

Assuming for a moment that is the case, then what happens next makes perfect sense. You are disappointed with the level of service/level of Love you are receiving and so begin to react to them in a less than positive manner, they in turn become affronted by your obvious shortness and displeased attitude. They react with obvious shortness and displeased attitude.

The End result? You leave the shop with the belief that the customer service from that establishment was less than poor, probably make a mental note not to return. And the assistant? Well they have a similar thought process ‘ what an obnoxious customer, how rude! Glad I didn’t have their size!.

And in a relationship the 'fallout' is often more complex - but the basics are the same; you now believe that the person has not been true to their words; that they have lied, deceived you, wasted your time, abused your trust etc etc

I hope this is illuminating my point. It’s not what people say, it’s your interpretation of what they say that you hear. When someone tells you they have bought a new car you conjure up in your mind a shiny new motor, probably a 2012 or 2013 plate with all the latest mod cons. When you see the car and realise they have bought a clapped out old banger with more rust than car….you are confused. You then might ask questions like 'why did you buy this? and the response might be as simple as 'its all I could afford' or ' I've always wanted this model I am going to do it up as a hobby'. In these circumstances most people generally accept the answer they receive. We accept it because it doesn't really impact on our lives.

We rarely ask the very necessary questions that should underpin statements.

Them: I Love you
You: thank you
In your mind you have drawn up a contract of what those three little words mean. And that contract is pages long, thesis worthy. You have put so much hope and expectation into those three words, and off you happily skip, content that ‘they love you’ and therefore are now going to live up to all those things that you have interpreted love to mean.

Very few people have this conversation

Them: I Love You
You: thank you, but what exactly do you mean by that? How will you show me you love me? What actions will you perform that show me that you love Me?. What will you do that makes me feel loved? What will you not do in the name of love? Do you see marriage in the future, children, a shared home? And so on…..

I think if we asked these questions not just of those who say they love us, but of the shop assistant, our managers, our colleagues, our neighbours….those people whose actions impact on our lives. Then we might save ourselves a little or a lot of disappointment.

I think if we spelt our intentions clearly, we would not be misinterpreted, others would not fill out their contracts based on what they ‘think’ we said.  They would be able to fill out their contracts based on what we mean.

I truly do not believe that people intend to disappoint, I truly do not believe that people intend to hurt or betray. I also truly DO believe that many people do not ask the right questions, I truly do believe that people hear what they want to hear! And it is because of this when things don’t go to plan, they feel let down, they blame the other person, they walk around feeling like the ‘victim’. They mourn the loss of a promise that was NEVER made. They ACCUSE  the person of ‘lying, letting them down etc etc’.

The conversations, arguments, comments that ensue – are very rarely resolved! Because both parties believe they are right (and in essence THEY are).

For the purpose of shortness I have skimmed this issue, but I hope you see and hear the message. If someone makes a statement ask for clarity, ask questions, do not make up the missing words, or interpret it in the way that you want it to mean.

Be honest with yourself, be bold, be brave – ask the questions, even if you are scared of the answer.

 

 

I choose Happy

All day every day, which ever way and however I can make it stay – I choose happy!

I choose to be happy – because the obvious (not necessarily always) but the opposite to happy is SAD! And I don’t want to be SAD. I want to be HAPPY!!

Life brings with it a raft of daily challenges, highs, lows, opportunities, close shaves, natural highs, mystery……and so on

So how can one choose to be Happy when sometimes we are faced with such problems, adversity, sadness, bleak situations…..

It’s OUR choice.

Of course we can’t always choose whether the situation happens or our involvement in the situation, but we CAN choose our attitude to how we greet and treat that situation.

We can be happy, positive, and optimistic about the outcome of situation or we can let it takes us down like a great big Hairy Quarterback tackling us down to the ground!

Like you I have difficult times, sometimes it can feel like they are queuing up to get in! How I CHOOSE to deal with those difficult times is what makes me and keeps me Happy!

I have a default position that accepts and celebrates that I am very very fortunate, I am surrounded by Good People and have an Amazing family that I Love unconditionally and Love me in return. I have a roof, food, money and enough to get by. That is my default position. Thereby if nothing at all happens in any given day – I am HAPPY BY  DEFAULT

Now if something does happen on whatever scale – I ask myself (and more importantly) answer myself a series of questions like the ones below:

1.    Will this stop me living (kill me)?

2.    Will this stop me having the life I currently have for ever, for 6 months, for a month, for a week, for a day?

3.    Will this affect my Loved ones?

4.    Will this stop me having (my own defined) fundamental needs eg a roof, food, money?

And when I answer myself I am able to ‘rationalise’ that situation. So this situation – is not going to kill me, affect my loved ones or stop me having a roof, food or money – BUT it is going to be around for a week or two while I sort it out!

And then I go about my normal happy life, knowing that this issue is around and needs attention and while I am giving it this ‘attention’ I may not be doing as many of the other things that I enjoy. But I do know that if I ‘sort it out’ within the time frame I have set, (and sometimes that may last a little longer or shorter than expected)  eventually it will be over or reduced to a manageable size. I will know that the situation has exposed me to new experiences and lessons. I know that regardless of how challenging or unpleasant that situation may have been, I still have very many reasons to be HAPPY. I know that regardless of how long, bad, serious or otherwise that the situation was, I still have the key things in MY life that make me HAPPY. Even when that situation involves or challenges those ‘KEY’ areas of my life – this rationale applies.

 

Captain Jack Sparrow says ‘the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem’ and I agree.

 What is your default position? What are the key components in your life, that define your personal happiness?

 

I’d love to hear